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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

Subject:Castor Oil cocktail...
Time:12:52 am.
Mood: melancholy.
Today I woke up to not a thing happening labor wise.

I discussed doing the castor oil cocktail with Andy and decided to try it.  It wasn't as bad going down as I'd heard...and it took awhile to kick in for me.  But guess what?  Throughout the cleansing of my bowels that emptied everything inside me...ABSOLUTELY NO CONTRACTIONS or any signs of impending labor.  Just a VERY wiggly sweet boy in my womb, trying to figure a way to get out (& a very sore bum).

The CNM's office is REALLY putting on the pressure and I was ready to give up and have this child via induction.  I feel scared.  I just want a healthy, happy boy in my arms.  The homebirth can go to pot if getting induced would be the HOW that he enters this world safely. Andy encouraged me to stick it out a little while longer, that this is just his timing.  I just wish I wouldn't ITCH.  God knows how miserable it is and how I pray that it does NOT affect Ethan. 

If I don't go into labor naturally by Wednesday, I just want to go into the hospital and have them help me.  I CAN'T go in Tuesday because the doctor that attended me at Chantel's birth will be on call throughout the day.  Her birth was NOT as it should have been.  I did create a birthplan 16 years ago, but EVERYTHING I asked for was ignored and I was too young and scared to insist on having things my way.  My labor was so ridiculously drawn out and my sweet daughter ended up in the NICU for 5 days due to distress.  Every intervention domino effect that could have happened did except for a c-section.  UNLESS it is an emergency, I REALLY do not, nor will not go into the hospital with this doctor attending me because I'm afraid of what it will do to my labor and what he thinks he can do. 

The head CNM told me some of the CNMs don't want to attend to me anymore and the doctors will be 'mad' they have to attend me because I am past 42 weeks.  How great to go into such a hostile environment to have my son if I don't go into labor naturally.

So that's where I'm at at 1:19am on Tuesday morning.  I'm still in shock my body didn't respond to the castor oil being 2weeks 6days late.
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Monday, October 23rd, 2006

Subject:I now have a scorpio baby...wha?
Time:12:42 am.
Mood: confused.
No offense to anyone who might read this who is scorpio.  I'm scorpio, my husband is scorpio and now a 3rd scorpio living under one roof...just kind of scares me.

This child is still not here.  No timeable anything today, nada.  Yesterday, they were pretty steady much of the day.  Andy wanted to change the sheets on the bed.  I was busy cleaning as usual.  But then after I took a nap-not a darn thing. 

We got a call this morning from a CNM affiliated with the CNMs office I go to...never met her but she said she had anticipated hearing from me to schedule the induction.  I'm at a loss.  Andy has been great as far as encouraging me.  This is his son too and I need him to help me make good decisions for the health of our son.  Wednesday I'll be 3 weeks overdue.  Here I was bitching about being 6 days overdue with Chantel and now I am 3 weeks overdue with this guy. 

Vickii (HB midwife) is encouraging me to learn the lessons God is presenting me with this.  Like what?  That I am ultimately not in control...the biggest lesson I always have to relearn on very frequent basis.  I really dislike NOT feeling in control.  I thought with all that I was doing throughout this pregnancy I was sure to have this child early if anything so I wouldn't have to go through the dismay of being past due again.  Yea right.

At least I got some of Chantel's high school soccer stuff done which was extremely helpful.  I'll get on my management duties JUST AS SOON AS MY SON IS SAFELY IN MY ARMS...in the meantime sweet Cece will be taking it all on by herself.

I'm DONE being pregnant.  Grateful for every little kick and wiggle this guy can dish out, yes...but I would prefer him to be safely in my arms. 

God give me wisdom to do the right thing please.
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Saturday, October 21st, 2006

Subject:42 weeks 3 days...HELP!!!
Time:10:21 am.
Mood: stressed.
2 weeks 3 days overdue.

I had some timeable 'contractions' yesterday.  Not consistant by any means though.  I was so excited that they actually woke me up and kept going for hours...but NOTHING later in the day...which then leads to me feeling completely dismayed.

I can't even go to my DDC at MDC...I'm beyond depressed over this.

My CNMs office was incredibly pressuring on Thursday.  We actually met with the doctor, who I believe to be very nice, however...after she told us we were 'scheduled' for an induction on Friday morning and I said we wanted to give it just a few more days to give my body a chance to kick in something eluding to labor-boy did the scare tactics begin.  We were told that they can't guarantee the baby would be okay after Thursday (can they guarantee anything anyway?), that babies die after 42 weeks to which she added "I'll show you the chart which shows how highly the mortality rate increases after today".   When she did the biophysical profile she wasn't as positive as she had been a few days earlier.  The baby was practicing breathing, had good pockets of water, heart beating very steadily, moving really well.

I left there so upset & sad.  Called my HB MW who was very understanding and reassurring.  Started on some homeopathics that night and experienced pretty heavy contractions, but was able to sleep.  Friday's stuff is then mentioned above.

I don't/can't wait much longer for this babe to come out.  I am sad to consider that I will lose my homebirth, but with the itching still prevelant & being this late regardless if my body kicks in or not, I won't go to 43 weeks...how crazy is that?

God help me please.
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Thursday, October 19th, 2006

Subject:Officially 2 WEEKS overdue
Time:6:25 pm.
Mood: moody.
Damn it...I feel so depressed.

I don't know what to write except that I am  feel dismayed, frozen in time, sad, emotionally drained.  I am so on edge.  This babe was due on Oct. 4th.  I know what everyone says about due dates and not to rely on them...however, Andy & I KNOW the possible date(s) of conception-there isn't too much give on that one. January 11th or 12th.  That's it.  I was shocked when two weeks later (Jan 28th) I had a big fat positive PG test in my hand.  So TODAY marks my 40TH WEEK of pregnancy by conception and my 42ND WEEK of pregnancy by my last menstral period.

My HB midwife has encouraged me & Andy about the babe coming when he needs to.  To try not to be alarmed by the damned itching that has been plauging me since my 8th month, because the tests show that everything is supposedly okay...(so why the crap am I itching?).  She's right, I just have a hard time when I am so miserable, not worrying about the baby.

The CNMs office will most definately encourage an induction today and try to schedule for this evening I'll bet, since they won't want to work over the weekend.  Andy & I agreed, that unless the babe is showing signs of distress that we will hold off a few days and give the labor a chance to start on its own.  Truthfully, I've been doing nipple stimulation via a breast pump.  I figure if he's not ready it won't work anyway and I can only do it for so long before it REALLY starts getting on my nerves.  I'm cramping since last night, but not majorly.

I simply cannot believe this little guy is holding onto staying inside me for so long.  I've been 'prepping' my body for birth since he was conceived and I'm just in shock he is hanging out so long inside me...and now posterior to boot.

I'm tired on crying, of having my life on hold...I just don't feel like doing ANYTHING until he's here.  Is that stupid?  If it is I really don't know what to say except I feel paralized.

PLEASE GOD have him come soon...healthy and happy and in my arms.
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Thursday, October 12th, 2006

Subject:1week & 1day past due :(
Time:5:13 pm.
Mood: weird.
Uhg...

Okay, so today is officially 1 week and 1 day past my EDD.  I know EDD means estimated...however, my hubby and I are fairly sure of our conception date, unless a few of his swimmers were hanging out longer than 24hours.

I went to the acupunturist today and she did a very 'intense' session to help get thigs going.  I then had the chiropractor adjust me to help open up my sacrum.  The acupuncturist believes I'll have the babe this weekend...lets hope she's right, otherwise I'm in for an induction next week.

Both the AP & my midwife think my itching is more emotional than anything.  In chinese medicine they believe that you hold your emotions in your liver, which is where the bile is coming from.  Last night the damn itching was so awful, I got up and started praying and meditating on positive affirmations, which actually helped me, so I am grateful. 

I'll be anxious to post a birth story soon.
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Thursday, October 5th, 2006

Subject:UHG!!! The waiting is driving me insane :(
Time:3:47 pm.
Seriously, if this itching wasn't an issue...
If they never mentioned cholestasis...
If I could just not worry...

Then the waiting wouldn't be so darn awful. 

No contractions, not even when I walk now.  No nothing truly...and it's driving me. 

I just pray this little guy would be okay...and that the fears I am feeling would subside.

I spoke to Ethan last night, telling him my worries and telling him I need him to be okay...breathing, healthy & whole when he enters this world.  I do believe my body can birth him the way it's supposed/meant to.  I believe I can have a normal birth.  I just want him to be alright and out of my itchy body.

So many women in my MDC due date club are having their babies...I am so happy for these mamas.  Some that have lost their precious sons and daughters previously and now have the joy of holding their newborns safe and securely in their arms.  I am grateful that they have experienced safe and wonderful births.  I simply feel more anxious, like I would like to have the same security of holding Ethan safely in my arms.

Today is my dad's birthday and NOT the day I want Ethan born by any means.  My dad was not a good person - my older sister & I are the victims of his sickness.  So I hope this little guy will hold out one more day for that reason alone.
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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

Subject:Practice contractions
Time:11:30 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Yesterday, I thought that this was IT.

Unfortunately not.  Really good strong practice contrax-timeable even.  But no baby yet :)

Sunday would be a good day for a baby.
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